How to Start Fresh in the New Year After a Breakup
Here at Fresh Starts, we believe that the “new year” can be anytime of the year - a new year simply begins when you make a brave decision, and sometimes that brave decision includes ending a relationship. So, how can you start fresh after a breakup? We asked some of the amazing Fresh Starts Experts for their insight, and here’s what they had to say…
So, how can you start fresh after a breakup?
Matchmaker and dating coach, Jill Hinckley says:
Focus on yourself and remind yourself how amazing you are! We tend to distract ourselves with lots of external activities when we have gone through a break-up, but it's okay to stop and feel all of the emotions. It's not easy, but grieving can be a very healing experience. Then take it slowly, but start opening up your heart again. Your new chapter is waiting for you!
Therapist, Divorce Coach, Divorce Mediator, and Co-parenting Expert, Jill Kaufman says:
1. Process what happened. Make sure that you have a method to allow yourself to process your past relationship - journaling, drawing, meditating, talking to friends or family or talking to a therapist are all great ways that can help you process your relationship. As you write your feelings down or talk about them, ask yourself these questions:
What was good and bad about the relationship?
What have I learned about myself from this relationship?
What can I take responsibility for in the break-down of the relationship?
Did you sacrifice too much for your relationship?
What do I want in a future relationship?
What can I do differently in the future?
What am I feeling right now?
2. Recognize if you have feelings of fear, shame and regret. When a relationship ends, many times people have negative thoughts about themselves that can spiral and send them into a bad emotional place. But relationships end for a reason - you weren't right for each other, it wasn't the right time, you want different things in life, etc. The ending of a relationship usually leads you to a better place. You just need to take the time to get there. Make sure that you acknowledge your negative thoughts, stop yourself when you start thinking them, take deep breaths and then replace the negative thoughts with more positive ones.
3. Learn to connect with yourself. This may sound strange but too many people jump from one relationship to another and never give themselves time to develop a relationship with themself. They feel lonely instead of enjoying and valuing the time that they're alone. If you don't value being alone, you become so scared of being alone that you can jump into a relationship that may not good for you. Connecting with yourself includes recognizing what makes you happy and putting time in your life for those things that make you happy. Do you like to hike or bird watch? Do you want to volunteer for a non-profit organization? Do you want to make art or play bridge? Do you like to walk to the local coffee shop and sit peacefully there in the morning by yourself? There are so many things that you can add to your life so that you're not lonely and you start enjoying your alone time.
4. Begin again with intention. The ending of a relationship is an opportunity for you to start the next chapter of your life with intention. You get to decide how you want this to go - who and what you want in your life - and that's exciting! Looking forward to each and every day in your new life is a possibility - you just need to give yourself the chance to do it!
Divorce Coach, Kara Francis says:
In our culture, the idea of starting fresh in the New Year is (understandably) appealing. We get a chance to "start over" - to learn from our experience of the past year and show up differently this year. Who doesn't want that opportunity? I certainly understand the symbolism.
However, "starting fresh" in the New Year isn't necessarily realistic when it comes to break-ups and divorce. Don't get me wrong - I'm not trying to be cynical or rain on anybody's parade here. But healing from a break-up is completely different from starting a new diet or workout regimen on January 2nd.
The timeline of everyone's healing journey is different. Take it from me: I'm 2 years out from my divorce, and even though I have moved on and am happy, I am still healing every day. If an individual leans too heavily into the "New Year, New Me" attitude, this can put a lot of pressure on them to get through their healing journey within the next 12 months. And depending on how long their healing journey lasts, they may feel disappointed by their "lack of progress" by December 31st of next year.
Here's an idea: Instead of looking at this as a "New Year," consider looking at every day as a "New Day." Each day is a fresh start, and you get to decide how you want to show up for it. This can help you feel less overwhelmed because all you need to do is think about the next 24 hours, as opposed to the next 8,760.
Also, while I am a proponent of setting goals and making plans to achieve them, it's important to be flexible and gentle with yourself. For example, if your goal is to go on your first solo trip in June, and by May you are still processing emotions and don't feel quite ready, then don't force yourself to go through with it just for the sake of achieving a New Year's resolution. Trust your body, emotions, and gut - they will tell you when you're ready to move forward.
As a final thought, and in the spirit of not rushing our healing journeys come January 1st, I'll offer up one of my favorite quotes, by Rainer Maria Rilke: “Let everything happen to you. Beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.”
Divorce Coach, Meghan Kelly says:
I love this topic because it's all about new beginnings. When it comes to starting fresh after a breakup, I work with my clients on a specific game plan. We design their "ideal" partner, similar to how -- as a business owner -- I envision my ideal client. This helps us set the stage for the type of person they are looking for, and then we list out the specifics of what character traits, interests and values that ideal partner would have. In this part of the conversation, we discuss how we would describe this person: honest, reliable, independent, a good communicator, a good listener, loves to travel, values quality time with family, social, introspective, reflective, active, enjoys concerts, loves a variety of music, creative, loyal, kind, funny....the list goes on!
We would then talk about non-negotiables, which are factors that would affect the longevity of the potential relationship:
- I will not date someone who smokes
- I will not date someone who does not want kids
- I will not date someone who travels more than twice a month for work
- I will not date someone who has no contact with their family members
And then we would talk about how my client would approach seeking this partner. Would they ask their friends to set them up with potential partners? Would they go on dating apps? Would they go find a potential partner out in the wild, at bars, on hikes, or traveling?
I think readiness is one of the key components of making dating a successful experience after a breakup. Have they grieved the loss of their former relationship? Are they ready to embrace dating and what comes with it? Are they healed from the past?
Divorce Doula and Certified Sex Educator, Celina Gomes says:
Time to change out your products . . .
Post break-up is a great time to start fresh with new scents. Try a new perfume, switch to different hair products, and even change the cleaning solutions under your kitchen sink. Scent is the sense most closely related to memory. Old familiar scents keep us tied to old memories, feelings, and people. Scents that are unattached to a past relationship, place or time can help us create new positive associations. So if you were cleaning your counters with a lavender spray while you were with your ex, make the change to orange blossom post break-up. Treat yourself to a brand new candle with a fragrance that doesn’t remind you of a former lover. Enjoy catching a whiff of a new shampoo in your hair while you make memories that are now all yours!
Don’t get too caught up in New Year's Resolutions
There is often quite a bit of pressure to commit to resolutions in the new year. But if you’ve just released yourself from a committed relationship through break-up, consider this a time to take a break from making new commitments. You don’t need to promise yourself to a new gym routine or grand savings plan. Use your break-up to break up with some New Year’s narratives and scripts. Give yourself some ease by steering clear of the pressure and guilt tripping of New Year’s Resolutions, and instead commit to giving yourself permission to just be as you are. Start fresh in the new year by taking a self-inventory of what you already like about yourself, and take a break from committing to reinvent yourself.
Break up with what no longer serves you
Start fresh in the New Year by breaking up with what no longer serves you. Chances are you’ve made realizations about yourself through breakup. Just as you have found your old relationship no longer serves you, take account of the patterns, language, and belongings that also no longer serve you. What can you leave behind in 2022 to start fresh in 2023? This year could be the year you break up with over-apologizing for your feelings, or donate all the scarves you never wear. You can start fresh by breaking up with trying to “save'' romantic partners, or being the person who tries to fix everything in the family. For a truly fresh start to the new year, decide what truly serves you in this moment, and let go of what no longer serves you.