5 Fresh Tips to Navigate All Stages of Divorce with Divorce Coach, Kara Francis
Navigating divorce can be a full time job, but you’re not alone! Check out these 5 Fresh Tips for navigating the divorce process, in all stages, with Divorce Coach, Kara Francis. Kara is a divorce lawyer turned coach, as well as a divorce survivor. She empowers clients and helps them build confidence, self-trust and emotional resilience for their divorce. She offers programs to serve clients at all stages of divorce: before, during and after. Her services include 1:1 coaching, as well as a biweekly, virtual group session, for people who are in various stages of divorce to come together, support each other and ask questions.
You can learn more about Kara Francis on her Fresh Starts profile.
5 Fresh Tips to navigate the divorce process in all stages:
Stay present. No matter which stage of divorce you’re in, there’s a lot going on. And that makes sense, because divorce impacts all facets of your life. It can become very overwhelming, very quickly. If you feel scared or worried, this creates stress. And guess what happens to your energy when you feel stressed? Exactly - womp womp. Which is NOT the divorce journey we are going for here. The truth is, the present moment is all we have. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. Hell, we're not even guaranteed the next 5 minutes. So, why waste your valuable time and energy focusing on things that haven’t happened yet, and may never happen? Instead, focus on putting 100% of your energy into one day at a time, one task at a time, one hour at a time. Small progress each day amounts to big progress over time. Which is much better than no progress at all because you’re stressed or frantically jumping around from task to task. Giving your 100% in the present moment requires you to tune into your body and assess where you’re at energetically. And most importantly, to accept it. Just because you have a long to-do list, doesn’t mean you have to force yourself to complete every item if you’re not operating at full capacity, whether that’s physically, mentally, or emotionally. Think about it: If you want the best results possible, how realistic is that if you can’t commit your full potential energy to the task? If you need to rest, then devote 100% of your energy to resting. If you need to cry, then do that and nothing else. If you want to work out some stress with physical activity, then focus purely on moving your body. And then, when you feel ready to work on the next divorce-related task, give it your all. None of these tasks is more worthwhile or important than the other; each deserves your full attention, because the way you do one thing, is the way you do all things.
Focus on what’s within your control, and release everything else. Similar to worrying about the future, trying to control the uncontrollable is an exercise in futility and a waste of your time and energy.
What’s within your control when it comes to divorce? Many things: your mindset, your decisions and actions, processing your emotions (preferably with a coach or therapist), caring for your body (nutrition, physical activity, sleep), how you respond to other people and situations, the professionals you hire for your team, setting and enforcing boundaries, how you spend your time, and with whom. What’s not within your control when it comes to divorce? Also many things: the thoughts, emotions, decisions, and actions of other people, including how they respond to your thoughts, emotions, decisions, and actions, the professionals your spouse hires for their team, how other people respond to your boundaries, the market and how it impacts your overall wealth (investment accounts, real estate, etc.), outcomes - no matter how much you prepare or hope for the best, at the end of the day, what will be, will be. It’s only natural you would want to control every aspect of your divorce because, duh, this is your life we’re talking about here! But certain things are simply outside of your control, for better or worse. And once you accept that fact, you can then focus 100% of your energy on the things that ARE within your control and create the most powerful results for those aspects of your life..
Silence the peanut gallery. If I had a dollar for every time a client told me what their friend / family member / neighbor / colleague / the person next to them in Zumba class did for their divorce, I could take myself out to a really nice dinner. Which, yum, but that’s not what I want for my clients. Divorce is one of those topics that can be taboo to talk about, but as soon as someone reveals they are getting one, everyone suddenly has an opinion that MUST be shared with you. For example: “You have to do a 50/50 parenting schedule, and it has to look this way.” “You’re going to be paying her spousal support for the rest of your life, get used to it.” “Try to get more parenting time so you can pay less child support.” And the list goes on. Guess what? There is no “right” or “best” way to get divorced. Also, each state has its own unique divorce laws and rules. So, what worked well for one family will not necessarily work for another. You and your spouse are unique individuals with a unique relationship - why would you want to just copy what someone else has done and forgo exploring all your options? That’s kind of boring, no? You have the ability to create a post-divorce life that works best for YOU. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else, so long as it makes sense to you and works for your family. Case closed.
Set boundaries. If your goal is to get divorced in a way that feels most true and authentic to you, then you’ve gotta get the naysayers out of your way. Energy attracts like energy. If someone expresses doubt, worry, or fear about the decisions you’re making in your divorce, then guess what? That energy can very easily latch on to you and take you right down to where that person is. In an instant, you can go from feeling positive and confident, to feeling uncertain and worried. Who is the one getting divorced here? Oh, that’s right - YOU. So, guess whose opinions matter most at the end of the day? Ding Ding Ding - YOU again. Which means you need to protect your energy from the naysayers; they will only distract you and cause you to second-guess your decisions. And how do we protect our energy? Boundaries! Setting boundaries can be challenging, especially with the most important people in your life (like your spouse, family and friends). Here are some quick tips: Make the boundary about YOU, not what the other person is doing wrong, be clear and succinct - don’t give a laundry list of reasons for your boundary. Be kind - most likely, this person cares about you a lot, and you want to preserve your relationship with them in some way after you set the boundary. For example, if every time you speak to your sister about your divorce, her concerns about your future financial security really bring you down, try saying something like the following: “I appreciate how much you care about me. Discussing my finances and divorce makes me feel uncomfortable. I would like to spend our time together talking about other things.” An amazing book for setting boundaries that I recommend to my clients is "Set Boundaries, Find Peace," by Nedra Tawwab. Go check it out! Also, bear in mind: There’s a big difference between setting healthy boundaries to protect your energy on one hand, and being closed off to receiving information and advice from qualified professionals on the other hand, like your lawyer, mediator, or accountant. If you choose to hire these professionals to guide you, then at least be open to hearing what they have to say before you make the decision that works best for you
Lean into your authentic, most badass self. In long-term relationships, it’s very common to mold your interests and life into whatever your partner enjoys. And over time, you can really lose sight of who you are and what you want in life. For example, if your spouse loves sports and hanging out with big groups of people, you may find yourself tagging along to loud bars full of TV’s and people you don’t know very well, just for the sake of appeasing your partner and spending time with them. But what if you’re an introverted homebody who would much rather make a cup of tea and read a book? Neither type of interest or personality type is “good” or “bad,” “right” or “wrong.” And I’m not saying you should NEVER compromise and do what your spouse wants to do. However, it’s equally (arguably more) important to spend time doing what YOU truly enjoy and pursuing interests that light a fire in YOU. You are a unique human being first, and a spouse / parent / friend / employee / etc. second. In order to perform all those other “roles” in your life to the best of your ability, you need to nurture yourself first. The good news? Now that you’re getting divorced, you can do whatever you want. So long as you’re not hurting yourself or anyone else, go off! Adopt a pet. Go out to dinner or see a movie by yourself. Dance naked in your living room. Book the trip. Start your own business. Go to a painting class. Hell, go to the sports bar and watch the football game! Regardless, do whatever makes you feel like your most authentic self