Sending Extra Love to Divorced Moms on Mother’s Day
by Oona Metz, founder of Oona Metz, LICSW, Therapist
Mother’s Day comes with a range of emotions when your family is intact, but facing Mother’s Day when your family has been restructured due to divorce can be especially difficult. We often hear about how hard Mother’s Day can be for people who are struggling with infertility or people who are grieving their mother, but it is important to recognize those who are grieving their intact family as well. As a therapist who works with women navigating divorce, I know that Mother’s Day can bring up many mixed emotions for the women in my practice.
In two parent families, there is an additional adult in the house who can make a brunch reservation, help the kids make cards, take the children to the park, and post pictures on social media. For these families, Mother’s Day is a day that is not just for moms, but a day for their families to rally around them.
For divorced moms, and especially recently divorced moms, Mother’s Day can bring up painful feelings. Many women, whether they initiated their divorce or not, miss the experience of being part of an intact family. More than missing a spouse or financial security, women often talk about the loneliness of being the only adult in the house. When the toilet leaks or the internet goes out, when the leaves need raking or the check engine light comes on, being a single mom feels especially hard. But it is also in the moments of joy or celebration—when their child tells a funny joke, learns a new song, makes the team or gets a good grade—that divorced moms miss having an adult nearby who will appreciate and celebrate these milestones with them. These feelings of missing a two parent family are often amplified on holidays.
While many children rally for Mother’s Day, it is unusual that they take all the initiative themselves. They often need the encouragement, prodding (and credit card) to pull off a card or gift for mom. In more amicable divorces, the second parent still takes on those tasks, though it is not the norm. Without that second parent to prod them along, Mother’s day for divorced moms can end up being much like any other. Wake up, make the breakfast, fold the laundry, apply the sunscreen, drive the kids to an activity, go to the grocery store, all the while trying to keep feelings of loneliness or disappointment at bay.
I encourage you to think about how you would like to spend Mother’s Day this year and to ask for what you want. Chances are if you leave the day up to fate, it may turn out like most other days of the year. Perhaps you want the kids to let you sleep in, or you want your ex to take the kids for part of the day. Maybe there is a hike you have been dying to take with your kids, or an art project you want to try together. You are doing the hard work of mothering, and as a divorced mother, you are likely feeling the invisible loss of being part of an intact family, so this Mother’s Day, ask for what you want. You deserve it.
This article was originally published here.
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Please note that the blogpost above does not represent the thoughts or opinions of Fresh Start Registry and solely represents the original author’s perspective.