Should I Stay or Should I Go? Making the Decision to Divorce
by Oona Metz, founder of Oona Metz, LICSW, Therapist
No matter what the circumstances are, ending a marriage is always painful. While it may ultimately be the healthiest decision, it is never easy or simple. If you are contemplating divorce, chances are your marriage is in trouble and you are feeling the fallout. You are likely feeling worried about yourself, your kids, your future, and your spouse. If you are the one initiating the divorce, you may feel tremendous guilt and shame about your decision.
You may have been thinking about a separation or divorce for many years now. Or maybe you have recently learned information about your spouse that has broken your trust in them forever.
No matter which camp you are in, it will be important to think carefully about the financial, legal, and emotional implications of divorce. You will probably never feel 100% prepared, however, you do want to be as prepared as possible for the road ahead.
Leaving a Marriage vs. Ending a Marriage
Women who initiate divorce often experience a lot of guilt. If that’s you, it might be helpful to consider who left the marriage and who ended the marriage. If your spouse broke the spoken or unspoken rules of your marriage and family, you may be the one who ended the marriage, but your partner may be the one who left it.
You may feel tremendous stress as you come to terms with the level of dysfunction in your marriage. It may feel hard to admit that things have gotten this bad. Wrestling with these emotions can impact you both emotionally and physically. You may have trouble sleeping, or feel shaky, nauseous, or sick to your stomach. Some women feel depressed or anxious at this stage. You may worry that you can’t turn off your brain—you keep cycling through the same thoughts again and again. It may be difficult to concentrate or be fully present.
Being in an unhealthy marriage has likely been adding additional strain to your more than full life. You may be so used to the tension, conflict, and stress of your marriage that you no longer realize how much extra weight you are carrying. While being in a familiar and unhealthy relationship is sometimes more comfortable and convenient than the unknown, it’s not necessarily better. There is life after divorce, and you do have the power to make your life happier and healthier.
Letting Go of Hope and Accepting Your Reality
In an unhealthy marriage, one of the hardest things to give up is the hope that your marriage will get better. This is especially true if you are an optimistic person, a can-do fixer who is used to being able to find creative solutions to your problems. If your marriage has had ups and downs, with some months or years being better than others, it may be even more challenging to give up hope. Whether your spouse is a decent person who simply cannot meet your needs or a person who has been toxic to you, you may be tempted to linger in your marriage, hoping your spouse will finally change. Accepting the reality of your situation and letting go of the hope that your marriage will improve is an important step in your journey.
Before you make the final decision to divorce, ask yourself if you have done everything possible to save your marriage. Be sure your spouse knows just how challenging the marriage has become for you and how they can make it better. Ask yourself how you can improve the marriage as well. Then, do as much as you can to make meaningful changes. Some steps might include marriage counseling, individual therapy for you and/or your spouse, pastoral counseling, or participation in a 12-step program. This way, either your marriage will improve, or you will know you did all you could before making the decision to end it.
Next Steps: Get Support
Knowing you did everything in your power to save your marriage will help you feel less regret, guilt, and shame as you move forward. And, sometimes making the changes does work, allowing you to stay in the marriage. If the changes you make don’t work or don’t have enough impact, it will be time to make a decision about your next steps. Make sure you have plenty of support with this next phase.
This article was originally published here.
Learn more about and how to work with Oona Metz here!
Please note that the blogpost above does not represent the thoughts or opinions of Fresh Start Registry and solely represents the original author’s perspective.