Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After Divorce
By Susan Dumbarton, Conscious Uncoupling Certified Coach
What is Conscious Uncoupling?
Conscious Uncoupling is a term and concept coined by Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and New York Times Best selling author Katherine Woodward Thomas. Her book “Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After” outlines a 5 Step Program to help individuals navigate separation and divorce in a more amicable, loving and respectful way. It also highlights the importance of keeping children’s best interests at the forefront. Learn more about conscious uncoupling from Susan Dumbarton.
I’ll admit, when I first heard the term, I rolled my eyes. My mother in-law had emailed me a clip of Katherine Woodward Thomas speaking about her work. My divorce felt anything but “conscious” (I was the one being left after all… while pregnant). The thought of my ex-husband and I uncoupling in a “conscious” manner felt absurd given the circumstances. I wish I had been able to look past the term itself though and discover the value of the program sooner. It could have saved both my partner and I a lot of anguish, pain and money handed to lawyers in endless negotiations.
Conscious Uncoupling isn’t about being best buds with your ex-partner or doing everything perfectly. It provides a framework for doing the inner work necessary to navigate the process in a manner that causes the least amount of damage possible. Katherine Woodward Thomas likens the Conscious Uncoupling framework to the bumper pads at the bowling alley. These tools can’t help you bowl a perfect “strike” every time but Conscious Uncoupling protects you from going in the “gutters,” softens the bumps along the way and helps you stay heading in the right direction.
Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps
1. Find Emotional Freedom
Step one of Conscious Uncoupling is focused on learning how to cope with all the intense and often destructive emotions that accompany a break-up. You learn tools to hold and contain your emotions without acting out on them in harmful ways. The goal is to create a sense of safety and comfort within yourself and to harness the energy of those overwhelming emotions as drivers for positive change.
2. Reclaiming your Power and your Life
Step two focuses on empowered self-reflection and shifting perspectives away from blaming and shaming yourself and your partner. The goal is to learn to take personal responsibility for your part in the breakdown of the relationship. It’s easy to point fingers and place blame but the only way to grow is to look at your part and see what you could have been done differently. When approached with love and compassion, this reflection allows you to see things more clearly and to make a commitment to do things different moving forward.
3. Break the Pattern, Heal your Heart
Step three of Conscious Uncoupling invites you to discover the core wound, or as Katherine calls it “source fracture”, that’s been at the heart of many painful patterns in your life (your relationship included). We form false stories and beliefs about ourselves at a very young age and carry those forward without even realizing it – I’m alone, I’m not enough, I’m not wanted, I’m not loveable etc. These false beliefs affect how we relate to ourselves, others and the world in general. Naming your core “source fracture” wound allows you to challenge its validity and discover what’s really true underneath it. For many this is a very transformative experience and helps them see things more clearly. Connecting with the deeper truths about yourself allows you to make different choices moving forward and to live a more rich and fulfilling life.
4. Becoming a Love Alchemist
Step four empowers you to part ways from your ex with love and respect and to make choices in line with the values you stand for. This may involve stepping up and being “the bigger person” in order to be the generator of cohesion in your family. It opens you up to clear any lingering resentments held towards your ex-partner, to appreciate the good that came of the union and to set a new intention for the relationship moving forward. If children are involved for example, that may be to have a supportive and respectful co-parenting relationship that allows your kids to flourish and live a happy life.
5. Creating your Happily Even After Life
Step five of Conscious Uncoupling allows you to celebrate how far you’ve come in the process, all the insights you’ve made, and steps taken. You identify and release any old agreements held with your ex-partner and make new ones in line with the future you are creating. Some people chose to do a Conscious Uncoupling ritual at this stage, either individually, or as a couple and it can be a very powerful experience. At this stage the hope is that you’ve awoken to the truth of who you really are, taken a strong stand for your future and become committed to reinventing your life and making the most out of it.
Learn more about Susan Dumbarton
Susan is a Conscious Uncoupling Certified Coach passionate about guiding woman through the emotional rollercoaster of divorce. Working 1:1 with her clients she provides personalized emotional support and teaches them the tools to access their power and transform themselves in the face of heartache.
You can learn more about Susan and get in touch here.