Embracing Boundaries as an Empathic Soul
by Candice Erickson-Perham founder of Indiglow Soul, Healer
Ever felt like a human-sized sponge in a room full of emotions, soaking up vibes left and right? Yeah, me too. Picture this: you're walking through the crowd, absorbing the energy around you like a sponge, and in the process, losing a bit of yourself with each absorbed emotion. Ever nodded along to keep the peace, only to have your inner voice throw a post-event critique party? Join the club.
Enter boundaries – those difficult and essential markers of self-love that, let's be real, we all need a crash course in.
Today, we explore the signs screaming "get some boundaries, stat!" and uncover the potential they have for us empaths and authentic connection aficionados.
Navigating the peacekeeper's paradox – maintaining tranquility while keeping your sanity intact – is a universal struggle, especially for those of us who'd rather dance around conflict than waltz with it.
So, be honest with yourself as we look at the signals pointing to a dire need for firmer limits and the downright magical journey toward embracing them. Ready? Let's dive into the wild world of self-love and boundary-setting
Understanding the Foundations of Boundaries
As empaths, the challenge often lies in knowing our own desires amidst a lifetime of absorbing others' emotions and people pleasing. Boundaries, are not walls, they are tools for self-discovery, safety, and effective communication. They aren't about controlling others but about taking care of ourselves.
Teaching People How to Treat Us
Our relationships become imbalanced without clear boundaries, leading to feelings of being taken advantage of. By communicating our needs and expectations, we empower ourselves to create healthier connections in all aspects of life—work, family, friends, and romantic relationships.
As an "over giver" in relationships, if you aren't receiving the same energy back that you have extended, you may have a tendency to get upset. If you are coming from a place of I know who I am and what I want then I'm "giving" without the expectation of receiving and there are no hurt feelings. If you are setting good boundaries then you are communicating what you need and want, If your not being "heard" then It’s up to you to decide how you want to handle a situation. Again it's about communication; If you take a friend out for their birthday, is it automatically assumed they will take you out for your birthday. Maybe, maybe not. If they don't and it hurts your feelings, then it’s up to you to say "it hurt my feelings that we didn't celebrate my birthday together" setting expectations is a huge thing in our relationships.
Learning to set boundaries will help increase your self-esteem and confidence and have more satisfying relationships. Boundaries are also a two-way street, we aren’t only creating our own but respecting other people’s boundaries as well.
Types of Boundaries
Emotional Boundaries:
Are inappropriate topics, emotional dumping and dismissing emotions.
Have you ever been going through a hard time and shared with others what you’re feeling only to get a response of “That wasn’t a big deal” or “Aren’t you over that yet”? There was a time when my husband and I were going through fertility issues, and we had a number of miscarriages back to back. I remember hearing from a close family member “aren’t you over this yet” and my response being “I guess you need me to be”. My emotional boundary was violated along with a harsh dose of co-dependency. No one has the right to tell you when you should be over something. I didn’t know any of that at the time, but as I reflect on things I learn more and more.
Material Boundaries:
Are around your possessions, when they can be used and how they are treated. Your stuff is your stuff, if you decide to share it, it’s your choice. You also have the right to determine how others treat your stuff. If you loan someone a tool or clothing, you can communicate how you would like to have it returned to ensure everyone is on the same page. I remember loaning a friend a dress and getting it back with her perfume smell all over it. I expected the dress would have been dry cleaned but it wasn’t and at the time I didn’t have enough of a voice to ask her to have it dry cleaned in fear that I would hurt her feelings or be marginalized saying my expectations weren’t reasonable.
Time and Energy Boundaries:
Are around time, lateness, when to contact you, favors and free labor. They are about how you manage your time, how you allow others to use your time, how you deal with favor requests. This is the one most people struggle with.
When I was in my corporate job, I always came last. The more promotions I had the less time I had to get what I needed to get accomplished in day. This meant that I spent my core working hours on other’s people’s stuff and then worked early in the morning or in the late in the evening to catch up on my stuff. I wasn’t able to hold a boundary with my own time, and that lead me to massive burnout.
Energy boundary:
Are how you spend your time, how you interact with others and understanding your own energy and how much you have to extend to others. As I've learned more about myself, I know I need a lot of alone or down time. That doesn't mean I don't want to spend time with other people, it means that I have a limited amount of energy to expend, and I get to choose who I'm going to spend that time with, without feeling guilty. Am I going to spend it with people who I'm not able to be my authentic self with? That takes a lot of energy. I've had to learn to say "no" to things. That was difficult. I had to learn to say I'm not up for that toady, but I really appreciate the invite. Rather than, I'm not feeling well so I can't go. That brings in the wrong energy. It’s not that I don't feel well, it's that I've extended enough of my energy and now I need to replenish Having strong emotional boundaries also looks like not picking up other’s emotions or feeling responsible for everyone.
Mental Boundaries:
Allow you to have your own thoughts and feelings and protect you from emotional harm such as invalidation or betrayal. A lot of us empaths have a hard time knowing how we feel and that stems from being invalidated as a child. We were taught not to trust ourselves and that everyone else knows better than we do. Or we were made fun of for not having the same opinion as others.
Physical Boundaries:
Are about physical proximity, touch, PDA, unwanted comments regarding appearance or sexuality, protect your space, body and property protect your right to consent. We could spend whole day talking about this. I think we all understand that we are our own advocates and if something doesn’t feel right it’s our responsibility to tell the person or report it.
Why We Struggle to Create Boundaries
Reluctance to establish boundaries often stems from fear of rejection or damaging relationships. As empaths we feel other people's feeings and when we create boundaries that someone else won't like or will be upset with, we feel that. It makes it more difficult for us to create and maintain our boundaries. Overcoming these fears involves rational evaluation and understanding that boundaries are a two-way street—we must both create and respect them. The other key to this process is self love, most of us have learned to abandon ourselves and coming back to "what do I really want/need" feels foreign or even selfish. I promise you, you are not selfish. Some of the best advise I have recieved on this is, "does this feel loving to me", if not then I don't do it. Learning to understand your energy and how your decisions feel in your body is a beautiful part of loving ourselves.
If creating boundaries with others feels too big, start with self boundaries.
Start with some boundaries that feel good for you.
I will stop work at x time, this allows me time to have a good dinner and read a book before bed.
I won’t answer phone when I’m not in the mood to.
I will go to bed at 10pm so I can get up and feel refreshed in the am.
This person is always calling me, you have the ability to not answer it, block them, tell them you don’t like it, you have a lot of power in this situation.
These all have to do with what we can control about our own behavior.
On my journey to figure out who I was, I realized I had repressed child hood abuse trauma. I thought I was handling this new information in a healthy way, but spirit had other thoughts. I ended up with medical issues that kept me out of work for almost 6 months. During this time I had to create boundaries to protect myself. I was in an extremely vulnerable position. I needed to be in stillness for a long time, I needed to be alone, I had to say “no thank you” to a lot of things and some people stopped asking. That’s ok, when you go through these things, some people fall away. I was learning who my authentic self was and what my boundaries were. I was no longer able to spend time with or talk to people who I was unable to be my authentic self. I also started doing shadow work and reflecting on if these were triggers that I needed to work through or if it was truly a boundary I needed to create. None of that was easy. I kept feeling as thought I needed to “fix” myself. It wasn’t until recently (with some help from my friends) that I realized there was no timeline on my healing. It was going to take as long as it needed it to and I wasn’t responsible for anyone else but my self, including how people would react to my boundary.
Setting boundaries is a transformative journey toward self-discovery, empowerment, and more fulfilling relationships. By recognizing the signs, understanding the various types of boundaries, and overcoming the fear of setting them, you can embark on a path to increased self-esteem, confidence, and a more balanced life. Embrace the power of boundaries and witness the positive impact they can have on your well-being and relationships.
If you haven't joined my my monthly newletter, I invite you to do that now. Each month I share valuable insights on my most recent blog posts and this month I will be sharing some key phrases we can begin to embrace to help empower us in creating healthy boundaries.
This blogpost was originally posted on Indiglow Soul and has been shared at the express consent of the original author.
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Please note that the blogpost above does not represent the thoughts or opinions of Fresh Start Registry and solely represents the original author’s perspective.