Shortly after my marriage was over, my grandmother showed up at my house with an ornate antique gold mirror. “You need this,” she said as she laid it on my wooden kitchen table. “It’ll help you find yourself again.” She handed me a hammer, a mirror hanging kit and nodded at me, “you can do it.” I looked at the mirror and my grandmother and smiled wearily. It seemed like a lot of work - and what did she mean it would help me find myself again?

You see, gold was never my thing.

I never felt a connection to the metal, I never wore it, even my wedding ring was white gold because I just felt like I didn’t like yellow gold. We never used it in decor, and it always just seemed so...much to me. It wasn’t me.

The following is an excerpt of a piece I wrote about the mirror in January 2021:

Right now, I’m doing a lot of work. And I don’t just mean my normal daily life of single-parenting, homeschooling, and running a company...I mean, THE work no one wants to talk about.

The healing.

Right now I’m a chrysalis. I’m in both therapy and intuitive healing sessions and courses. I’m reading and dancing and processing. And let me tell you, it’s not easy. In fact, it’s exhausting.

So, I’ve gone inward for a while. To learn myself again. To hear myself again. I’m pretty quiet these days. I’m metaphorically head down and marching through the mist. I am wading to the other side, reeling from a lifetime of trauma and narratives and anxieties.

And while it’s hard work - and it is sometimes very painful and sad - I’m committed. I’m ready to make the shift. I’m ready to find myself again. When I showed up to a healing session last week, Meg O’Neill said “you look....like yourself.” And it’s true. After a lifetime of disassociation with myself, it’s enlightening to find who I am, starting at the root. A friend even said “your smile is different” the other day. I’m coming home again. I’m patching the dissonance between my soul and my shadow. We are becoming one again. Maybe for the first time, actually.

Did you know the word chrysalis comes from the Greek word khrusos - meaning gold? Since the mirror my grandmother gave me, I’ve adorned my house with gold mirrors, in which I can stare at the woman in the reflection and know who she is. She is a woman surrounded by gold because she shines, even if that glow has been dimmed, she still shines.

So often when we’re going through a major life change, we forget who we were, who we are - and quite literally don’t even take the time to stop and look at ourselves. Are we afraid? Are we sad? It’s almost as if we sit shiva for the person we were by avoiding mirrors and our own reflection. But, the thing is, that reflection back? It’s still us. We’re still here.

It’s really important to have a mirror you love to love yourself in - you deserve it. I found an old post-it note on my desk the other day which simply said, “smile at yourself.” It was from my lowest times, and I truly was pained by my own face, as it looked so hurt. But, over time, I learned to look into the reflection and see the crinkles near my eyes, or the shape of my lips, and then, a smile would emerge, and I’d feel a sense of pride and relief, as it felt like coming home again to that person. So, if you do anything today, smile at yourself in the mirror. Can’t smile? Just make eye contact. One step at a time to your Fresh Start.