Boundaries; or: The Space Between Us
My arms are tired. Not my real arms, but my metaphorical arms, they’re tired. I feel like I’ve spent the whole week erecting and holding firm boundaries. I am a big fan of boundaries, generally - they’re the space between you and me where I can love you and me at the same time, where I can love you and not sacrifice myself. Boundaries are the recognition of where I end and another person begins and the space we need between us in order to have a relationship. And I am a big proponent of them. I believe boundaries are a very important tool in preserving relationships.
I also believe boundaries can be the fence you raise around your proverbial yard. A door you lock behind you for those who are not welcome in your home. They can be these two things depending on who they are erected for and why.
And I raised both types this week and I am tired. When you’re a woman in business, especially in the business of support, there is an assumption that your kindness is weakness, that you will see any acting - good or bad- as a compliment, that you will be polite and grateful. That you will smile and say “yes, how can we work together?!” and when you don’t react this way people are shocked, they often respond poorly, sometimes even lashing out.
People have tried to sell us faulty products, use our directory for unintended and inappropriate purposes, claim our work as their own and each time they seem surprised when we respond firmly and seriously. Sometimes lobbing playground words our way. I regret to inform you I have not been involved in a playground disagreement since I was a nursery school teacher, and I was too old to participate then.
But protecting our community is paramount to us. And it’s important to remember that just because someone shows interest in what we’re building here it does not mean they are energetically or intellectually onboard, oftentimes they just want access and they assume we will be too nice and cede it whether it is the right move for our community or not.
Maybe these bad actors can smell our people pleasing on us, this instinct to laugh it off and say thank you to a backhanded compliment. Maybe they can sense the years of confusion and the desire to be included by those closest to us. Maybe they sense our desire to be understood and believe we will jump at any opportunity to see their actions as flattery. Maybe they have special vision which can see the two little girls who never quite felt like they fit in and believe their veiled praise will make us pliable.
But those two little girls have done the work and have held firm boundaries which are often uncomfortable, scary and sad to hold. We’ve had to grapple with the fact that those who were once our whole world no longer feel safe to share our joys and woes with. We’ve said back and forth to each other, more than once, “I would not let anyone in the world treat me like this, why is it okay just because they’re family?” While the other sister shakes her head with a resigned sorrow and murmurs over and over, “You’re right, it’s not okay. You’re right.”
We are worthy of boundaries that protect us and allow us to love people at the same time. We are worthy of surrounding ourselves with people who celebrate us and mourn alongside us. We are worthy of building a professional circle filled with those who believe, like us, that a rising tide lifts all boats. And by we I do mean all of us, you, me, my sister. We are all worthy of this.
Boundaries are really hard to build, hold and even justify to yourself sometimes. They can be scary, awkward and sad. But sacrificing your own well being, business or joy to serve another is not worth it. It leaves nothing for you and those who love. So here’s your reminder, it’s okay to build your life with joy and intention and fences.