5 Fresh Tips to Help You Tell Your Kids You Are Getting Divorced in a Way That Supports You and Them with Therapist and Divorce Support Group Leader Oona Metz

Learning how to tell your kids that you are getting divorced can be overwhelming, but you’re not alone! Check out these 5 Fresh Tips to help you tell your kids that you’re getting divorced in a way that supports you and them with therapist and divorce support group leader Oona Metz.

I am a therapist, writer and speaker in the Greater Boston area. I run three weekly confidential Divorce Support Groups for Women+ and provide consultation to therapists working with clients who are navigating divorce. I have published essays on divorce, parenting and being a therapist in Cognoscenti, Psychotherapy Networker, The Los Angeles Review and other outlets. I have given over 80 talks on divorce, group therapy, and related issues both locally and nationally. I am the founder of The Beacon Group Fellowship, a six month training program for mental health clinicians to learn how to lead Divorce Support Groups.

You can learn more about Oona Metz on her Fresh Starts profile.

5 Fresh Tips to help you tell your kids that you’re getting divorced:

1. This task is one of the most difficult in any divorce, as it means sharing some of the most heartbreaking news you can ever give your children. Every parent dreads this conversation. We are all programmed to nurture and protect our kids, so this step may feel like it goes against your parental instincts. And yet, being a parent also means being honest and responsible. This includes letting your kids know about changes to your family’s life. What’s more, you are your children’s most important role model. In sharing this sad news, you have an opportunity to model both vulnerability and resilience. It’s important to communicate a balance of “this is a sad time” and “we are going to get through this.” The timing of this conversation will be influenced by several factors. In general, it is better to tell older kids sooner rather than later because they are more likely to pick up on tension in the house and overhear your conversations. That being said, it is ideal if you have some information to share with them about any upcoming changes in housing before you sit down with them to talk. Older kids who have witnessed a lot of fighting, a toxic environment, or emotional abuse may feel relieved you are finally ending an unhealthy cycle. It is easier to keep much younger kids in the dark until a change in housing is imminent. Younger kids can’t track time in the same way that adults can, so telling them about changes to the family well in advance won’t serve them well. If one of you is moving out, tell younger kids no more than a few weeks beforehand. Ideally, you and your partner can sit down together and develop a script for this conversation. Not a script that you read, but an agreed upon set of statements. If you have an unwilling or absent partner, or a partner who can’t be relied on, you will have to tell the children yourself. While this is not ideal, it is sometimes the reality. Hearing the news from one thoughtful, rational parent is better than hearing it from two people who can’t agree on what to say, or who end up saying hurtful things to each other or their kids. Many women worry about what to say, how to say it, and how it will impact their kids. You may feel pressure to “get it right” or “say it all” during this first conversation. While it is important to be thoughtful about how you share the news, keep in mind that you will be talking to your kids many times over many years about the divorce. For this initial conversation, less is more. Because this is your kids’ first time hearing the news, and because you will likely be in an emotional place, it’s best to keep the conversation on the shorter side. You can always add more details later. Start with the fact that you have decided to separate. This can be just one sentence. It is best to say “we have decided” even if only one of you initiated the decision. Starting with the word “separation” instead of “divorce” allows for the possibility you will reconcile and is a softer way of introducing the concept of divorce.

2. Be vague about why you are separating or getting a divorce. Kids do not need to know the intimate details about why you are separating, and in fact, knowing those details could be hard on them. But they do need a reason. “We haven’t been getting along” or “We are no longer making each other happy” are good options to help simplify a complicated situation.

3. Let your kids know that you have tried to make things better. This is important, as you want your kids to know that you tried. It sends the message that when your children face hard things in their lives, they should also do their best to make them better.

4. Offer reassurance about what will and will not change in your child’s life. Make sure to emphasize that one thing that will not change is your love for them. If you know other things that will not change (their home, school, schedule), mention those as well.

5. Finish up by normalizing your child’s feelings and inviting them to talk to you at any time. This is crucial. Just as your feelings about the divorce will shift over time, so will theirs.